It's OKAY not to be okay :(

I just don’t think that I really deserve this.. I find myself asking, is it me being unfair? or should I pity myself? I am having second thoughts right now, regretting that I never said my point the last time we talked. I am so doubtful. I am guilty. I don’t want it, yes, I aim for it...But not this way..I feel no contentment. Sorry for being superficial.. I just want to write what I am feeling right now. I just pretend, I smiled just like what I always do, I actually did not mind it, I said I understand..  All because I am afraid that if I started telling what I am thinking, if I started showing what I am feeling, I am afraid to break down and start crying. I am super sensitive and emotional; I know you think I am not. I just don’t want to be a center of destruction so I pretend to be seen no care at all. 

If you read this, tell them I am sorry, really I am. Until now I still don’t know why it happened. Please understand that even I accepted it, I am still in doubt, only because I know that I am not ready yet. The situation proves it. I am eager to do the consequence because I understood it all the very first time it was mentioned and explained. 

Sorry.. I didn’t mean to be here.. lucky I am to be here, sorry, even though I want it..

One more thing.. Sorry for not telling the truth every time you’re asking me how I am doing.. I always say I am okay.. I am hurt deep inside.. but don’t worry, it will end soon. but right now, please let me feel that it is okay not to be okay. 

I realize that I am the last person who can help myself in everything, at the end of the day it is me who will decide where I want to be.. and what I want to be.. 

The good thing about today? There is hope for a better tomorrow.

Today, I am one more day closer to being well again.

LORD help me.. THANK YOU so much for everything. ♥ ♥ ♥

 *fact: later will be my first time working night shift but I am still awake… Good luck to me… ;)

Perfect Two Remix